Being The Other Woman is a
conscious decision. A choice influenced by several factors that traverse
different social classes and even religious and cultural boundaries. This practice
was furthermore propelled by the advancement of technology and the portrayal of
the same idea in Philippine mass media that awakened the dormant sexual
liberation of Filipino women. Is this practice simply about enjoying pleasure
and companionship or an exhibit of power, dominance, and control? And who are
the real victims here?
For so many years, society
conditioned us to see women as weak, demure, and simply there to support men in
all of their endeavors. Rizal even created the concept of Maria Clara – his
idea of what a true Filipina is. Is his concept a reality, a myth, or what he
wants for women to be or his ideal women? Historical development about the
perception of women by women and by men is important in this paper to give
justice to the propagation of The Other Women.
The Wrecked Roots
During the early times, men and
women in the islands now known as the Philippines were experiencing equal
respect and treatment from the society. Our mythology about the origin of the
first humans in the world, Si Malakas and Si Maganda, supports this claim. Both
Malakas and Maganda came from the same bamboo at the same time which is totally
different from the biblical accounts that says it was Adam first followed by
Eve.
Another historical fact that
supports this claim is the concept of Babaylan’s or Catalonan’s, the
priestesses that is being respected by the Datu and the whole society. Even in
the family, women are being asked by men in several situations. This situation
really suggests that men and women were treated equal before the colonizers
have arrived.
These equal treatments also lead
to equality in how they perceived sexuality. From the accounts of Antonio Morga
in his Sucessos de las Islas Filipinas, he said that women in the Philippines
are sexually liberated. This sexual liberation of women only changed when
patriarchy became a practice in the country – a concept brought by the
colonizers and sustained by Catholicism.
In today’s pop culture, there is
an abundance of the image and acceptance of the concept of having The Other
Woman. Several mainstream movies and TV series portrays the said idea that lead
to the awakening of the dormant sexual liberty of women. Perhaps the question
is whether Philippine mass media is presenting the reality in our society or
they are preparing the society to easily accept this as a reality.
Filipino women may be experiencing
sexual liberty but the concept being The Other Woman is not simply about sex
and sexual liberty. The interplay of technology, economics, education, social
awareness, and personality are factors that greatly influence the choice of
having and being The Other Woman.
The Other Woman – not a Querida
In this paper, the term The Other
Woman is used rather than kabit, querida, or any other derogatory word that is
connected to being The Other Woman to avoid the prejudgments that is attached
to those words. In the discussion, The Other Woman will be looked at as a human
being rather than the object of lust and sin and always the reason for the
failing of families.
Categories
It is best to categorize The Other
Woman for us to have a balanced perception towards them. In this paper, I came
up with four major categories but we can also combine several categories
depending on several situations.
The Financially Deprived
“Walang babaeng pinangarap maging kabit!”
-Bea Alonzo (The Mistress)
Economics could still be the most
compelling reason why a woman becomes The Other Woman. She could be single or
married that needs money for so many reasons. This category is common to the
middle class down to last class in the stratum. It entails guts in the
beginning and some eventually become hooked to the idea.
This is also a common scenario
among our Overseas Filipino Workers who needs extra income to send to their
family in the Philippines. This could also be dictated by society’s pressure to
those OFW’s since it is expected by the society, people in the Philippines that
if you are working abroad, you have a big income. The issue is survival. We can
hypothesize that it would be easier if The Other Woman is single because there
are no families to be wrecked and it is only her that needs to be financially
supported but with the pressure coming from society and family, even though it
is difficult, married woman still managed to do so for the need to send extra
money for the family in the Philippines.
The Thrill Seeker – The Player
“Paano mo naman malalaman na
masarap pala ‘pag di mo titikman? Kahit alam mong bawal, labanan mo cos’
eventually your body will just get used to it.”
-Anne Curtis (No Other Woman)
Like what has been mentioned
earlier, Filipino women are sexually liberated even before the coming of the
colonizers. This sexual liberty is dormant and only needs to be triggered and
some women pulled the trigger already saying,“if men can, women can do better.”
It is true that sex is still a
taboo topic in Philippine society/culture but it does not mean that we are not
practicing this idea. The Filipinos are religiously doing it regardless of
social classes and perhaps even religion and culture. The incidence is also
higher to those who are more academically and socially developed since they
know how to deal with the situation.
These thrill-seeking women see sex
as simply a game or an exercise. Sexual performance matters most for both
people engaging in this carnal activity. Age matters as well.
For some thrill-seekers, it is
connected to power that they posses every time that they can “play” – they usually
can control their partner.
This is also common among the
OFW’s who are totally free to do whatever they want overseas and also because
of the communal concept of protecting each and every one’s reputation in the
Philippines.
Proximally Connected – Accidentally Involved
“The heart has its reasons which
reason knows not.”
“Love knows no limit to its
endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything.
Love still stands when all else has fallen.”
― Blaise Pascal
Being in love is also a common
reason why the Other Woman exists. Most of the time, it is a result of proximity
– being close to a friend that could result to a relationship. Problems or
issues that the two people share together make a good foundation for this kind
of relationship. This kind of relationship transcends social classes and even
religious boundaries.
The Other Woman of this kind needs
not to be beautiful but a good listener who is always there when needs arises.
The Helpless
“Hindi ko kayang mabuhay nang wala
ka.Nasanay na akong kasama ka.”
All relationships are founded on
dreams that you made together. You dream about the future and lasting memories.
What will happen if along the way you knew that you are the Other Woman? Will
you stay or simply leave the memories and dreams that the two of you created?
Some Other Woman opted to stay and
continue to be the Other Woman, even though they know that it is socially
unacceptable – not because they are in love with the man but because they
believe that they cannot live without the man. Many of this type stay in the
relationship because they are used to being with the man and believe that they
cannot live or stand on their own – problem in personality perhaps.
The Sinner
“Walang matibay na relasyon sa
kabit na may determinasyon.”
Most of the time, we look at the
Other Woman as the sinner and it’s totally wrong to be one. But what is wrong
with being the Other Woman? The Financially Deprived are doing it as a matter
of survival; The Thrill Seeker – The Player does it for fun and to enjoy their
sexual freedom and being equal with men; The Proximally Connected – Accidentally
Involved became the Other Woman because they are caught in the web of love that
has reasons which reason cannot figure out; and The Helpless who simply cannot
stand on their own because of having a weaker personality. With the enumerated
reasons, these The Other Women are actually victims but not by men but rather by
the society/communitythatcannot understand them.
What the Other Woman does actually
falls in the study of deviance – a recognized violation of cultural norms. But
we must understand that deviance is not the action of bad people, but part of
the way society is organized. What they are doing are actually challenging the
status quo that might lead to change the perception of society towards them or
perhaps strengthen the norms and in this case, strengthening the monogamous
relationships.
“Remember this, no woman can
seduce a happy husband. Kung hindi mo pa rin maintindihan, bakit hindi sarili mo
ang sampalin mo, baka sakaling matauhan!”
- Vilma Santos (MinsanMinahal
Kita)
The Real Victim
”Buong buhay ko, pakiramdam ko mag-isa
ako…but not with her… nandyan siya sa lahat… she believes in me… she sees good
in me, na kahit ako hindi ko mismo makita…”
– Aga Mulach(A Love Story)
Men are weak! In all categories
that have been discussed, men are said to be the real victim. In The
Financially Deprived, men support the women; in The Thrill Seeker – The Player,
women uses her body, which is a common weakness of several men to seduce and
play with them or play them in their idea of the worldly world; in The
Proximally Connected – Accidentally Involved, the emotionally down men
accidentally becomes involved; and in The Helpless, the women does not want to
let go even though she knows that what they are doing is socially unacceptable.
Perhaps, in most cases, it is the man who started everything – but it does take
two to tango, and based on the enumerated reasons, it is the women who control
the situation.
Social Acceptance
“Unfair noh, kapag lalaki ang nangaliwa
tanggap lahat ng tao, pero kapag babae, makasalanan siya. Come to think of it
meron ka na bang narinig na lalakeng tinawag na home-wrecker o kaya eh kabit?”
– Sharon Cuneta (MinsanMinahal Kita)
“Okey lang mambabae ang mister ko basta
sa akin pa rin siya umuuwi.”
Eighty to 85 per cent of world’s
culture favors polygyny but still the most common form of marriage worldwide is
monogamy and the most common reason is economic rather than morals and the
Philippines is part of this. We have a high tolerance level when it comes to
concept of having The Other Woman. One reason perhaps is because of the equal
perception of both men and women in sexuality that has been proven
historically. Another explanation to this higher tolerance is because of the
prolonged mental conditioning that women are supposed to be demure, weak, and
unworthy that they will accept anything what their man do. It could also be recognition
of men’s machismo that every time their man has an affair with the Other Woman,
their man becomes more macho and gives them more excitement.
If our society tolerates this
practice, why then are there several laws enacted to confront the issue of
having extra-marital affairs?
Laws were created to protect the
interest of all people in society. Any trouble that is connected to having and
being with the Other Woman, it is still the legal justice system that will
prevail. But we also need to look at the issue on how the laws were created and
its suitability in the society. There are several laws in the country that are
hypothetically based and not patterned after the culture. We can actually say
that the legal justice system is on the other end of what is happening
culturally. We can easily change or create a law but we cannot easily change a
culture.
“Ang batas ay butas at ni minsan
ay hindi magiging patas lalo’t likha lamang ng mga mambabatas at hindi nakaakma
sa kultura kung saan ito iaatas”
Morality of Being the Other Womanin Durkheim’s Perspective
There are three components of
morality according to Durkheim – discipline, attachment to society, and
autonomy. Discipline is the constraint that is necessary to limit our
individual or personal interests. Morality is attached to the society because
the society is the source of morality. Autonomy is the determination of the
people to work according to their will.
Using these components, being the
Other Woman is moral. They are working according to their will; disciplined in
the way it is not the personal interest that prevails and operates in the
society which highly tolerates their activities.
Conclusion
Being the Other Woman is an issue
that is always a source of heated debates. The Other Woman has been responsible
for many failed relationships, and always the victim of man’s polygamous
nature. But looking at it from a different perspective, we can say that the
Other Woman is also a human being with several reasons why they became one. It
is not fair for them to be called home-wrecker and other derogatory adjectives.
They are performing a significant role in shaping our society and society’s
need. What they are doing is highly tolerated in their society and still with a
degree of morality.
I am not saying that we should all
practice the idea of having and being the Other Woman. I am simply pushing the
idea that we should respect and look at them as a real human being. #
